Questions of Scale

Canal, Edinburgh

Canal, Edinburgh

Things I’m weighing:

  • Actual effort vs. Perceived effort
  • Procrastination vs. Laziness
  • Trying vs. Doing
  • Wanting vs. Having
  • Sleep vs. Books
  • Books vs. Everything
  • Sunlight vs. Warmth
  • Warmth vs. Caring
  • Caring vs. Loving
  • Loving vs. Leaving

Examples: She looks like she’s working so hard, but she doesn’t have to do much at all. I’m working too hard for what the result currently looks like; am I getting in my own way? If I wait until the deadline, I’ll have the pressure on me to finish, but if I don’t do it by myself, am I bad at motivation? Sometimes I get it right or do it well but it might be a fluke. I can do it well, but not on purpose — only when I’m not really trying. A new line in a new poem (mine): 

“The wanting is tied up
in the not-having –
a kind of twinning
no one can truly tell apart.”

I come home exhausted, but then I recharge, and then I do more, and then all I want to do is a) sleep and b) read, but both at the same time, like wouldn’t life be perfect if there were just pages on the insides of my eyelids? Sometimes books stand between me and the rest of my life, and I can’t tell whether they’re protecting me or shielding me, and aren’t those two things really different even though they pretend to be the same thing. The sun comes in the windows all day but this house is still stiff with cold. I get a lot of smiles, but not a lot of kindness. No wonder that’s my default question: “Are you laughing at me?” Even with the friends I have, how do we bridge the gap between where we are and where we could be? Starting from here, what we have, can we build it deeper, wider, like… (ain’t no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you.) And with the love I have: how do we bridge the gap between where we could be (together) and where we are (apart)?

So many ponderings. It’s my internal debate on hyperdrive tonight.

Goodnight, T.

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