I No Longer Have to Feel That Way

6 May 2014
11:42 PM
Manila

M.–

1.
This morning I hitched a ride with my sister on her way to our father’s office. It’s easier to commute from there, and I wanted to be on time for my meeting later in the day. While we were in the cab, she let out this very heavy sigh, one that’s full of resentment and frustration. I know, because those same sighs have passed my lips before.

I looked at her, and she shrugged. “I don’t like going to work,” she said, turning her face to the window. “I dread going to work. It’s the same feeling I get when I was younger, on the first day of school.”

2.
An hour later I got a text from A. saying she won’t be able to meet me for lunch. She punctuated her message with a note of despair, saying she wants to resign from her job. How funny that she was just going through the same thing (well–not nearly the same sentiment, but you know what I mean).

3.
I was thinking, no matter how many times I go back to that day years ago when I quit my job, what I feel about it is always the same, in the end: that it was a smart decision. I look at my sister, and I listen to my friend, and I realise that I no longer have to feel that way. I no longer have to wake up day after day, carrying my dismay, letting it fester, letting it kill me, being in a place I do not want to be, doing things I do not want to do.

Having a studio, trying to keep it afloat while a lot of other small businesses slowly crumble around me–it’s fucking hard. But it is mine.

4.
(Have I said this all before? It feels like I have.)

(And it feels like I have wondered before, too, about this exact same thing.)

5.
Granted, I have days when I wake up and I shudder at the thought of getting out of bed because I have to live. But that’s another story entirely.

6.
Oh, look at me go. But today was a good day. I only felt mildly anxious. I went to another city, and the trip only took an hour. Sure, the meeting lasted only twenty minutes, but I got the project.

7.
And I was okay. In fact, I sat outside for a good few minutes more, alone at my table, drinking up the sun.

8.
I should really say yes more than no.

Goodnight,
T.

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