How We Allow Ourselves to Live

from the film, Thumbsucker

from the film, Thumbsucker
poster design by Mike Mills, who is also the director

2 May 2014
8:09 PM
Manila

M.–

I had another…difficulty earlier this afternoon. A potential client wanted to meet and it’s tied me up in knots, the thought of going out there again. Logically I know that it’s nothing complicated–I’ve done this before, lots of times. I know how to communicate and bag a project; I know how to talk about what I do, and to some extent, how to sell it, I suppose (sell–such an ugly word sometimes).

The thing is, I am having a hard time processing, if I should go or not. I’m leaning towards not, without a rational reason why. It’s not necessarily a won’t, more of a can’t, as in damn, a crippling kind of just can’t. Trying to explain it to my family made me even more anxious. I had to hide in the bathroom; I stayed there until I can breathe again, and then I took a shower for good measure.

I am worried that it’s going to be another one of those months, and I don’t want to fall back to that? I’ve started being productive again, in a way that felt like it was a few years ago, when I still had it together. No–not that together–perhaps it’s more accurate to say that it’s similar to when I was beginning. And it’s a good feeling, beginning.

I went back to my desk and reread the messages sent to me last night and this morning by my friend K.:

“Try to remember what it was like to be loved by family, friends, and other people. You deprive yourself of that by keeping yourself secluded…and yes of course part of being with others comes getting hurt…but that is how we allow ourselves to live. You haven’t healed well with what you have gone through which is probably why you have become withdrawn. Maybe part of why we need each other is to help each other heal.”

– from K., sent 6:30 AM, 2 May 2014

I started drafting a proposal. Afterward I set a meeting, and we’re to see each other next week Tuesday. I am apprehensive still. I’m trying to come up with a back-up plan–perhaps have lunch with A. if she’s in the area.

I know–I should (wo)man the fuck up. I’m trying to get there. Until then:

Goodnight,
T.

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