A Deep Place to Dig

18 February 2014
10:30 pm
Edinburgh

T. —

Be brave and bold,
Be childish and old — it’s the same old story:
Every life needs a hope of glory.

I love Roo Panes. Sorry for the crazy noises on either side of the song in the video, but the song is so worth it. I only discovered him today, but I love him already.

What I also love is having things reflected back to me. I got three letters in the mail today from SMess, one of which includes a section from a letter I wrote to her almost a year ago. It’s really powerful to hear this observation in my own words. And to see how different my life is today, than it was last April:

I’ve gotten the highest marks/grades for tests I only studied for for 5 hours, for papers I half-scribbled down the night before. And, while I’ve spent a long time congratulating myself for whatever intellectual skill that reveals, I’m only now beginning to question: is it possible that my work could actually be exceptional if I let it? If I tried? I don’t want any of this to come off as a boast. I am quite literally concerned that I’ve spent all of my education, my life, just skating through things and never really applying myself. And in this, I have come to realize that I have never really felt challenged. Recently, there have been occasions where a challenge has come up, and my response has been not to meet it. To back down. To quit. To say, ‘I can’t do this; I don’t know how’ because I’m not sure I have known what it feels like to be challenged. Not in recent memory. That’s horrible.

– letter to SMess, April 2013

What I really want to say is that I feel lucky to have friends asking me the tough questions, asking themselves the tough questions. People to dig deep with. Mirrors to reflect aspects of experience back to me.

There is a reason letters are my life. They are a deep place to dig.

Goodnight,
M

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