1 February 2014
It’s quite interesting to be without internet for a few days. Before, I would say how disconnected I am, how out of touch. In some ways that is still accurate. But there is a side of me that is fine with it, has relished it even, and has spent all that time away from the computer onto other things.
For example, I’ve been talking a lot lately with my sister, C., and somehow I am more aware, now more than ever, how much she’s changed. She is like a puzzle that I didn’t know I was solving, and one day it just came to me how her mind works. Of course I haven’t figured out everything yet–a human being is a complex being, after all–but there’s just this clarity now that I get.
I’ve also started a new journal, and have been thinking about other projects which looks doable. I feel productive, even if I am spending less time plugged to technology, and that’s refreshing for me.
What’s more important: I haven’t thought about being depressed at all, these past few days, even if I actually am–it’s not crippling me in a way that gets me scared every time I wake up in the morning. I think this is significant, and I am hoping it will continue as I begin a new month and look forward to being productive.
I was also re-watching Shawn Achor’s talk about “the happiness advantage.” It’s a good reminder to myself that the idea of happiness is very much tied to perspective, and that I should work hard to build perspective that is independent of other people’s expectations.
I am reminded of a conversation I had with my sisters, about our idea of happiness. We agreed that we were afraid of turning into a person we all hate–someone whose life revolves around money, whose contentment is tied to monetary value, whose relationship with people depend on how much financial investment it would take. I remember I said that these days I know I am far from likeable, and have no immediate virtues to boast of–but I can gladly say I am not at all motivated by money when it comes to my work and my life and being successful, and having that knowledge about myself makes me feel all right. I mean–I tried, I really did, before. To motivate myself with the thought of money. To think about working tirelessly, day and night, forsaking a lot of things, in exchange for more money. It just won’t stick, you know? It just doesn’t make me get out of bed, doesn’t make me excited, doesn’t make me look forward to the future.
Poetry though–that’s another story. =)