20 December 2013
8:52 PM
Manila
M.–
I am here sitting on the floor, in a corner of another bedroom, trying to summon my will into finishing work I’m supposed to turn in today. I’m exhausted and I’m crying as I type this. I really don’t know what to do now, I’m at my rope’s end. I know I wrote last night that I was content–sort of–that my brain, my heart, and my spirit have been fed and I haven’t found myself wanting so much.
What I didn’t say is that I’ve also been going through the worst distress I’ve ever experienced yet. I mean–last year was a version of this, but the difference is I hadn’t really wanted to live. There, I’ve said it, out in the open. It was okay to feel lost and disconnected, because I felt like I was dead inside. This year though–this year I’ve promised myself I’ll fight, that I will push myself to get through this. What I didn’t realise is how much stressful it was going to be. I haven’t cried this much in years, and right now I am doing so much ugly sobbing while writing this, that people have left me alone. I look pathetic. I feel wretched and needy, and I just want someone to hold me and say that everything is going to be all right.
I’m tired. I’m running a fever. There are still things that must be done.
I haven’t eaten and I don’t have a place to sleep. I don’t even have a place where I can work. I have been panicking all day and have trouble breathing because my things are not in order. I have the deepest need to clean and arrange but I can’t because all of my stuff are being put in boxes and said boxes are being hauled off somewhere per my father’s instructions. I feel terrible, as if something was dislodged inside me.
But I am also thinking: what right have I to feel this way? What right have I to feel displaced when thousands upon thousands don’t have houses right now because of the typhoon? They will be mourning their dead instead of celebrating Christmas. And here I am feeling very much unnerved and unglued just because of my dysfunction.
Ah, M. How can I say the things I said last night, and feel this way now, today, and know that both are true?
T.
Awake & Asleep 
I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, but just because other people are feeling other intense experiences doesn’t make your experience any less upsetting or unnerving. Don’t compare yourself — just allow yourself to feel what you feel.
Love, M
I meant to ask: How much longer for all the renovations? And are you feeling any better? I’m still trying to heal my back, but it mostly means lots of painkillers and lots of rest still.