20 December 2013
I am here sitting on the floor, in a corner of another bedroom, trying to summon my will into finishing work I’m supposed to turn in today. I’m exhausted and I’m crying as I type this. I really don’t know what to do now, I’m at my rope’s end. I know I wrote last night that I was content–sort of–that my brain, my heart, and my spirit have been fed and I haven’t found myself wanting so much.
What I didn’t say is that I’ve also been going through the worst distress I’ve ever experienced yet. I mean–last year was a version of this, but the difference is I hadn’t really wanted to live. There, I’ve said it, out in the open. It was okay to feel lost and disconnected, because I felt like I was dead inside. This year though–this year I’ve promised myself I’ll fight, that I will push myself to get through this. What I didn’t realise is how much stressful it was going to be. I haven’t cried this much in years, and right now I am doing so much ugly sobbing while writing this, that people have left me alone. I look pathetic. I feel wretched and needy, and I just want someone to hold me and say that everything is going to be all right.
I’m tired. I’m running a fever. There are still things that must be done.
I haven’t eaten and I don’t have a place to sleep. I don’t even have a place where I can work. I have been panicking all day and have trouble breathing because my things are not in order. I have the deepest need to clean and arrange but I can’t because all of my stuff are being put in boxes and said boxes are being hauled off somewhere per my father’s instructions. I feel terrible, as if something was dislodged inside me.
But I am also thinking: what right have I to feel this way? What right have I to feel displaced when thousands upon thousands don’t have houses right now because of the typhoon? They will be mourning their dead instead of celebrating Christmas. And here I am feeling very much unnerved and unglued just because of my dysfunction.
Ah, M. How can I say the things I said last night, and feel this way now, today, and know that both are true?