Today, Rest

16 December 2013
2:27 AM
Manila

M.–

Day Thirteen of the #GraceAndGratitude workshop asked us to talked about a time when we got so angry, and then identifying an opportunity for grace that could’ve happened, had we been receptive. Well, I experienced that pivot yesterday during lunch with my sisters. We haven’t eaten out in a while, just the four of us. So we were expecting it to be a lovely day. I almost ruined it. All because of my frustrations, which came bubbling up to the surface before we left the house.

The renovations are still ongoing, but it’s almost come to the part of my office and our bedroom. I was really irked at my father’s insistence at extending work until next week. It’s almost Christmas, I told him. Couldn’t everyone have a little break, for once? You could send the men home to their families. Meanwhile, the rest of us can breathe. Maybe clear some things away so we can finally put up the tree. But he’s insistent, and wants me to start putting my books in boxes. I felt a little hysteria embrace me. What boxes?! There’s no more available box in the house because he’s constantly asked us to put things in boxes! And did he think I would only need one box or two or three?!

There was also the matter about beds–where to put my sister’s bed, where to put mine. As soon as I heard that, I really wanted to punch something. What bed?! I’ve been sleeping on the floor for years! Nobody cares! I had hoped to be able to buy a bed for myself before Christmas, but I don’t have any money. I’m going to lunch with my sisters and I can’t pay for anything. I haven’t met up with my friends, refused any invitations for a get-together, because I don’t have anything to spend. I’m looking at scholarship applications and I have to look at the financial aid section, because my parents will fund my sister’s medical school expenses but not my plans to study creative writing. Ugh!

Yes, I almost ruined our day. My sisters had to knock some sense into me so I’ll calm down. And slowly, slowly, that pit of anger dissolved, and I could feel myself carefully making a turn. Things are always magnified when one is incensed and frustrated, I know. I could hear the voice in my head: slow to anger. I looked at the the three concerned faces in front of me: they know how it is, too. I am not alone. I tried to smile. It was crooked, and the right half of my face was fighting it. But it was enough to elicit a laugh, and I knew we were going to be okay.

Day Fourteen of the #GraceAndGratitude workshop was apt for my Sunday, because all I did was sleep. Really.

I was supposed to meet S. and S. this afternoon, but plans were changed. I was left with nothing to do, and for once I really didn’t feel like opening my computer. So: I slept. And it was long (I missed lunch) and I didn’t care.

It’s probably not what Sarah had in mind–a few minutes of silence and stillness–but it was what my body needed. The emails can wait, the world can wait, my life can wait.

Goodnight,
T.

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