In Order to Simply Begin Again

4 December 2013
9:28 pm

Edinburgh

T. —

It’s been that day. First, I wasn’t feeling great, and so the day slipped by me. Then, the internet failed, and wasn’t supposed to come back again until tomorrow at noon (clearly, it’s back now). Alright, take it in stride. Then, some misunderstandings, a bit of frustration, and the fact that our washing machine is still retaining water in the bottom, which means we can’t wash clothes. Which means, just another thing to deal with.

I took a walk across town to drop some soup off at Emily’s. It’s the last leftovers from Thanksgiving. We’re vegetarian, so we were happy to make the turkey for everyone else, but it’s still important to pass the leftovers off to someone else. Waste not, want not. I bundled up (it got cold outside again), and just headed out into the night.

On the way there, I thought about how to let go of things. I thought about how to shed disappointments, resentments, frustrations. I thought about how grateful I am that I have internet at all, that I have a beautiful flat where so many things work, that I have heat and hot water and tea and comfort. I thought about how — even with so many questions in my life, so many things up in the air — I am lucky to have a wonderful marriage with my perfect partner. And I thought about how disagreements only allow us to be compassionate, only allow us to stretch and grow.

And then I got home, and all of that understanding flew out the window again.

It happens like that, doesn’t it?

Ah. Sigh. I turned back to #GraceAndGratitude: Day 4. I wrote a note to my friend Emily about love and life and following dreams. I wrote about how I’m really proud of her. Now I’m going to sign off and write one to my brother. And then, bed. And then, this day can end.

*

Late October
Maya Angelou

Carefully
the leaves of autumn
sprinkle down the tinny
sound of little dyings
and skies sated
of ruddy sunsets
of roseate dawns
roil ceaselessly in
cobweb greys and turn
to black
for comfort.

Only lovers
see the fall
a signal end to endings
a gruffish gesture alerting
those who will not be alarmed
that we begin to stop
in order simply
to begin
again.

*

Goodnight,
M

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