An Allowing

1 December 2013
11:44 PM
Manila

M.–

It is Day One of the #GraceAndGratitude workshop. Thank you so much for letting me know about it. This is another good thing that has happened lately–a spot for me, shared, given. And all I had to do was answer the question why. After weeks of uncertainty and ache it feels surreal that somehow the days are turning around.

During lunch, my sisters and I talked about good things happening to each of us. Subsequently, we wondered how long that streak would go on. That is the heart of the matter: what will we receive in exchange for all of this? What is the other side of the coin? How long before the rug gets pulled from under us? We’ve lived so long with the bad permeating our lives that anything lovely and wonderful is bound to fade fast. We’ve learned to enjoy the little things for as long as it’s going to last, without really attaching a time frame to it, without expecting that it will be for always. It gets easier as you get older, I think. I mean–I’ve even gotten used to my birthday not being celebrated. What’s a daily disappointment, in the long run? How much weight is that going to accumulate, and how strong can you be to carry that?

As we took turns guessing what catastrophe would befall us sometime in the near future, I find myself laughing, although nothing’s really funny. We’re such broken people, I said. We relish predicting a punishment for enjoying something because we don’t believe our kind would ever get to experience what happiness is. And I find it sad, but at the same time comforting, because hey, at least I’m not alone, right?

I always try to avoid the question, do I deserve this? because it sounds so self-important. I don’t like the idea of telling myself that I am entitled to things. I know that there are things I want, and I have to work hard to be able to have them. What else is there? I am teaching myself grace, yes, and gratitude, too. But could it arrive in my life without my asking to, without reason? Has it simply been there all this time, and I wasn’t aware of it, didn’t even know that I have it, could have it, because I haven’t allowed myself to see?

Ah, there are still things to think about, but it’s midnight now. I think I might continue on writing on evenings as these will arrive at my inbox around this time. You are on evenings now, too, if you’re up for it.

Before I go though, here are things I am grateful for today:

  • French fries and caramel sundae
  • The feeling of my bare feet on the carpet
  • Walking in the rain
  • Action movies
  • Close readings of poems

Goodnight,
T.

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