What I was saying, was that I think I might finally know what I want—

'this is the space where I should say something' (c. 2008)

‘this is the space where I should say something’ (c. 2008)

16 October 2013
10:48 AM
Manila

M.–

—that is, I think I have finally decided, or at least came to terms with, one of the things that I want—I have so many desires but this is one of them, and it is probably foolish and a step back because I have come so far, but yes it is what I want, it is it is it fucking is, and well, I know it’s worth admitting because even if I feel foolish I still want it

—the catch is that I don’t know where to start—well, I probably do, but the way it looms up ahead it looks insurmountable inconceivable impossible and everything else everybody tells you not to do, and a part of me is crying because of the foolishness with which I have brought this upon myself, because I can’t go back and unwant it, I have to push and push and push until I have given it to myself or until I have perhaps failed

—but life is long, so perhaps I’ve got time, I’ve got a long time to fail and try again and fail and try again

—I am asking myself, I thought I didn’t want this, and I am answering back, But I do I do I do I do I do, and I’m not saying it fast enough, but saying it still, as if I am a bride breathlessly getting married at the altar of want and desire, the air escaping my lungs saying I do I do I do I do, yet a voice in my head whispers, I thought we were done with this, and I just had to turn my head, whisper back, over my shoulder, but what else would you have me do

—because a part of me feels I was meant to have this, I was meant to want this, I was meant to need it

—and maybe nothing is meant, and maybe it is just there, the want, the big ball of who I am and who I was and who I will be, and maybe I just have to wake up to finally get it, or maybe I have to walk away a few times, and maybe this is the last chance to say no, and I don’t want to say no, I want to say yes yes yes yes okay

—Fuck, I don’t even know how to go about it, I just know that I might actually really want it, and now I can’t even articulate what it really is, it just repeats and repeats itself: This, This, This, This, This—

T.

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One thought on “What I was saying, was that I think I might finally know what I want—

  1. This reminds me of a letter I wrote to my friend Sarah about the experience of performance, and all of the complex emotional things that are tied up in my history of performance, and all of a sudden the letter was 10 pages long, and I hadn’t yet said what I was really trying to say: a part of my soul feels on fire when I sing.

    So. What do you want? =)

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