Near Exhausted

Made with paper by karghe

Made with paper by karghe

3 October 2013
22:21 pm
Edinburgh

T. —

I woke up this morning, but things got ruined. A headache, sinus pressure, chills – not sick, not yet. Just the oncoming displeasure of a day where my mind is ready but my body is lagging behind. I wanted to do work today. I wanted to catch up on ModPo so I can write the essay this weekend. Terrible weekend for an essay to be due. I don’t know if I’ll make the deadline. I haven’t even listened to any of Week 3 yet. This is how things fall off track, when time starts to slip away, when the months stack up and suddenly you’re older and you’ve forgotten how it all led here.

Needless to say, I couldn’t tell you about last night, couldn’t write more about the conversation I had with the Musical Director of the show. I couldn’t tell you all about the discussions of marketing, of priorities, of how different people always expect different things, and how nothing cohesive can be achieved when everyone is focusing on different outcomes. How a team should be built from people with different strengths and a common goal, but it’s usually made up of people talking over each other, puffing up their chests, trying to make their cause the loudest. It’s that old adage of the two donkeys tied together, straining against each other. One wants food, the other wants water. Sometimes we’re blind to the fact that we can still get it all done if we do other people’s work first, if we learn how to ask others to help with ours.

It has been a day, and we’re in the middle of the show week, and I’m tired. I could just sleep for days. I think I might, next week. The weather keeps fluctuating. It hasn’t decided what it’s turning into, whether to hold on or let go. It’s a middle space, before the transition, where the small changes are just indecisions.

Daisies
Kathleen Jamie

We are flowers of the common
sward, that much we understand.
Of everything else
we’re innocent. No Creator
laid down such terms
for our pleasant lives,
— it’s just our nature,
were we not so,
we wouldn’t be daisies, closing
our lashes at the first
suggestion of Venus. By then,
we’re near exhausted. Evening
means sleep, and surely it’s better
to renew ourselves than die
of all that openness?
But die we will, innocent
or no, of how night
spills above our garden,
twins glittering there
for each of us; die
never knowing what we miss.

*

Goodnight,
M

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One thought on “Near Exhausted

  1. Breathe. Just take a deep breath. Pause.

    Re: ModPo, it will be open until next year, so there’s no hurry. You don’t even have to complete the requirements—it’s only for those who want to get a certificate, and in the grander scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. What you’ll get from the class is more valuable than any piece of paper. But if you really want it (the same way I did, because it represents something important), there’s always the next class.

    Sleep. Recuperate. Gather your energies. Prepare mentally and emotionally for the next performance. Take better care of yourself.

    Love,
    T.

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