Is There A Word For It

27 July 2013
11:20 PM
Manila

M.–

Is there a word for it,

• The feeling of wanting to read all your books at once, and losing no time at all, and then rereading them one by one, and getting lost in time
• This pattern of falling into the same activity every day, every night, ending the evening knowing you’ve done something, waking up the next morning angry and so sure that you’ve done nothing
• Then repeating, and repeating, and repeating, like deja vu magnified, like deja vu that is stuck in a time loop
• The drowning, having too much to do, and as if that isn’t enough, you go and add another activity that surely you don’t need, but you just have to do it
• This urge to begin something else; it scares you, because you don’t need to do it, you’re afraid you won’t reach its end, you know it will be added to the long list of things you haven’t finished, but you feel compelled to do it, so you do it
• Then the endless worry: this doesn’t make money, and you need money; but this doesn’t make you happy, and you want to be happy.

Is there a word for it?

Lately it’s like I’m in a boat, and the sea is treacherous, and somewhere someone is shouting to row and to row and to row and to never stop, and I row and I row and I row, afraid for my life, afraid to topple over, afraid I can’t swim to save myself, afraid I’ll get tired, and I row and I row and I row but I never see the shore. Yet I row and I row and I row.

T.

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One thought on “Is There A Word For It

  1. “What does more to stay us and keep our backbones stiff while the world reels than a sense that we are linked with someone who listens and understands and so in some way completes us?” — Wallace Stegner

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