Wild is the Wind

21 June 2013
2:30 PM
Manila

M.–

It’s been raining since I woke up. I don’t feel like doing anything else. I am thinking about work. My work. Last night I received an email from a client and it doesn’t look good. It looks like I’m going to lose that project. My heart is heavy. I worked on that for hours. All my efforts, gone. I don’t even know if I’m going to be paid for it.

There’s an acquaintance who also got in touch with me. He said he wants to meet to discuss a potential project. I don’t know if I should say yes. The meeting is going to be so far away, and I don’t know if I want to spend a lot of money (that I don’t have) traveling just for that. And with the rain, too. I’m not so sure I want to be stuck all the way out there and then end up being stranded, if the weather gets too bad.

Excuses, excuses, I tell myself.

What should I do? I hate that work-wise I feel like I am starting from scratch, but that is what I told myself I should be doing, yes? Rebuilding my life. But god isn’t it the worst feeling in the world sometimes.

I was reading a friend’s blog just now, and she said that the main thing is for you to know what you want. Then do everything: walk, run, crawl, roll, shuffle, jump–everything–in pursuit of that.

I said to myself that I should say yes more often than no. But is the desire to do that borne out of other people’s experiences? Shouldn’t it be okay to say no, too? Or am I just being a coward again?

Yours,
T.

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