I Feel

12:20 am
22 (21) June 2013
Edinburgh

T. —

My uncle and aunt came to see the show in Glasgow today. At the end of it, Peter said, “She’s the girl who was afraid.” Sara said, “No, no. She was the girl who was not afraid, right?” The song is called “I’m Not Afraid”. But… I loved Peter in that moment for seeing the depth of the song. For seeing the fear. For seeing the question. I just found this video on youtube of Jason Gotay singing the song, and I think he captures it:

I’m not… afraid? Of.. anything?

If it were a poem, line breaks would be spectacular:

I’m not afraid of anything
be it growing old
or going out of style.
I’m not afraid
of anything.
Who would give up
what they want
without a trial?
Another mile?
I’m not
afraid.

*

I’ve been trying to find out where to go from here. I don’t think I have a set answer or a definitive direction. All I know is what I feel. And I feel alive with music running through me. I feel like my thoughts and my stories make a better melody in my head. I feel like poetry is when a story sings on breath and air. I feel like, I feel like, I feel. I feel like I get it. For the first time. I get it.

*

It’s about understanding yourself, I think. Knowing what you’re good for, listening to what your heart really wants. I used to bury myself in books. I still do, to an extent. But then I also emerge to sing. I feel like a butterfly: the page is my cocoon. My wings are the song. It’s a good balance of self and other, of private and public, of rest and freedom. It is a strong balance. How will my life maintain it?

To say goodnight would be to miss so much of the story.

M

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2 thoughts on “I Feel

  1. Again, the quote after publishing was so perfect:

    “I loved words. I love to sing them and speak them and even now, I must admit, I have fallen into the joy of writing them.”
    – Anne Rice

  2. I just talked through the blog post with Andrew, to tell him about what Peter said, and to tell him about how it felt to sing that song tonight. And to tell him what that moment in the song means to me. At the end. Where the pause happens in the music: “I’m not. Afraid.” And I told him that my favorite thing that Natalie, my singing teacher, has told me is: “The powerful thing, as an audience, is not to see the actor cry. It’s to see the character fight not to. It’s not about feeling the emotion. It’s about witnessing the conflict, the struggle with what that emotion means.”

    And then I told him — my favorite thing that Neil, my musical director, has taught me: “The character has to create the music. Everything that happens in the instrumentation is led by what is happening with the character.” I wanted to write all of this to you, but it didn’t quite get out. Andrew said, “Too tired?” I think, maybe too awake. Awakened, at least, if not awake.

    Okay, now goodnight.

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