Lover of the Light

14 June 2013
9:35 AM
Manila

M.–

The first time I heard this song, I was moved to tears. It was last year, when I was thinking about the end of everything, of things ending, of ending things. I was in the dark for so long, it has become a cocoon. You know this; I think I have often written to you about it. Well–not often, but on occasion that I would get up and write. And maybe it passes through me, maybe since always. Like thread through a needle, as W.S. Merwin would say.

But then–this song. Pushing past every veil, every wall. It made me get up and turn around and around in my room, barefoot, dancing, eyes closed, hands raised. As if a prayer. As if praying.

I am building, little by little, a list of my ‘gospel’ songs. This is one of them.
I am rebuilding, little by little, my life.

They sing, Stretch out my life and pick the seams out.
I sing, Watch me stumble over and over.

Kyrie
Tomas Tranströmer

At times my life suddenly opens its eyes in the dark.
A feeling of masses of people pushing blindly
through the streets, excitedly, toward some miracle,
while I remain here and no one sees me.

It is like the child who falls asleep in terror
listening to the heavy thumps of his heart.
For a long, long time till morning puts his light in the locks
and the doors of darkness open.

I tell myself: it’s alright. The night still exists and will remain.
But it’s time to love the light.

Late Fragment
Raymond Carver

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

Good morning,
T.

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