We’re Resilient

9 June 2013
11:38 pm
Edinburgh

T. —

A few thoughts:

I would love to know more about your awakened state. I think it’s amazing when we turn around and can actually feel actively engaged in our own lives. What a gift. I’ve felt like that for the past few months, and it’s irreplaceable.

Bloom is definitely a dog. We spent the better part of the evening playing fetch with her in the house. She jumps up for socks like a soccer goalie. One day we’ll get it on video and I’ll share it with you.

My brother just flew in from the US this week. He’s been staying with our dad down in London, but came up to Edinburgh tonight. I haven’t seen him since last August at my wedding. It’s already great to have him here.

He came bearing gifts: handmade goats milk soap that smells like almond (mmmm!), a Devil’s baseball cap for Andrew, and some books and magazines from my mom. One of them: The Game of Boxes by Catherine Barnett. Another poet that I can’t remember how I found, and yet as soon as I picked up the book I knew it felt right. I can’t wait to read it.

I had a fantastic audition today for the Putnam County Spelling Bee (it’s a musical). I just felt really relaxed and at ease with the process, and comfortable with the directors. I’m excited to hear back, even if I may not hear any news for a few weeks. Mostly, I’m proud of myself, and I feel alive. That feeling. It’s amazing.

Andrew cut a deal with me today (his words exactly). If I “kick ass” in my PhD, he says he will support me in whatever way I need to be able to pursue musical theater. I’m not sure yet whether it’s something I want to do full time, but I adore him for giving me that option. And it also makes me feel like I have even more reason to fully dedicate myself to my poetry, especially on the days that it feels difficult to produce anything. I think conceiving of it like this — like I have an external goal, outside of the program itself, to help me push to create something great — is already helping me to focus. And he only offered that about half an hour ago. I am so thankful for this man.

*

Chorus
Catherine Barnett

Should we take notes,
before it’s over?

We sit beside them,
waiting.

They tell us what’s to come that never does come
and we mark it down.

Or they don’t tell us but we try to remember it.
Even when the radiator clangs

and the wind blows and the hours
disappear,

they swear we’re fine,
we’re resilient,

they march us up the stairs
and say we have to laugh about it,

ha ha. We like to laugh,
we’re still trying to understand

the story, the one we’re in right now.
We thought it would end a little sooner

so we only packed our mouths,
the ones with the mouths singing from them.

*

Goodnight,
M.

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