24 May 2013
Reality couldn’t wait for me to get better so I spent most of the day on the computer, working on a menu design for a restaurant and a logo design for another client. I don’t know when I’ll be free from being sick; sometimes I think my emotions play a big part on my being physically healthy. It is as if my body is working to heal itself, but my wretched mind and heart won’t let me. It’s what I really hate about depression–how it infects the rest of the system. How it is a fight, a real fight. How I resent having to fight it. How I resent losing against it. And if I’m doing okay: how I resent winning. How undeserving I feel of little joys at times.
Here, something that has been on my mind lately:
I had become an inward being, and walked as in an inward world; everything outside me became a dream; what I had understood till now became unintelligible. I fell away from the surface, down into the fabulous depths, which I recognized then to be all that was good. What we understand and love understands and loves us also. I was no longer myself, was another, and yet it was on this account that I became properly myself. In the sweet light of love I realized, or believed I realized, that perhaps the inward self is the only self which really exists.
– Robert Walser, from The Walk
I used to have this book but lost it to an old love.
Maybe someday it would find its way back to me.