Aches

13 May 2013
11:40 PM
Manila

M.–

The aches of my body: I can barely move my hands. My fingers are bent and trembling, and when I try to curl them into fists, I feel a terrible ache. There is throbbing at the center of my palms. I want to think: heartbeat, but no, it’s just pain. It has spread to the muscles and nerves of my forearms. I can barely lift anything. I voted this morning, and at the precinct, I had trouble shading the circles because I can barely hold a pen and I’m shaking. It takes me a long time to cut my food during lunch and dinner. We went out for some groceries, and I could feel my feet giving up on me, but I’d take that if only they’d give back the use of my hands. I can’t even write.

The aches of my heart: when an elder embarrasses you at a public place, do you think they enjoy making you feel little and powerless? You try to live your own life as best as you could, and try to be kind to people as best as you could, and yet find yourself wholly unprepared for others’ capacity for cruelty.

The aches of my mind: watching the early results of the polls during the evening news, I can’t help but wonder what my vote was for, if it ever counted in the first place, if those leading the race are the same old corrupt politicians that will be the ruin of us all. From the looks of it, an ousted president will now become mayor of the capital city. Two of his sons (who have different mothers I think) will have seats in the senate, and his mistress a mayor of another city. The vice-president’s daughter who has no political experience whatsoever will also be in the senate, while her brother becomes mayor of yet another city. An actor becomes a congressman somewhere, and a boxer, too, and his wife, and all their relatives. People wonder why they are starving, and why they don’t have jobs. This is the answer. We get the government we deserve.

The aches of my spirit: I need to get away from here. I need to not be like this.

The aches of life: that the bad mostly outweigh the good, and that it takes a lot of effort and will to fight for it.

Off to sleep.

Yours,
T.

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