Keep me, hold me

There is a burn mark in our wooden chest of drawers, made long before we moved in. It creates a hollowed out bowl in the wood, and Andrew always uses it to house his wedding ring when he takes a shower. I tried it this morning, for my rings, while I took a bath.

I don’t want to say the world feels different, but maybe I feel different. Maybe I’ve actually stood up and risen to the occasion. I decluttered this morning, made the bed, took a bath, took a break from staring at screens. Now I’m back, ready to work, ready to get some things done before my appointments this afternoon.

Yesterday I bought a book for Andrew and I to enjoy together, inspired by Kilian – Edinburgh: 40 Town and Country Walks. I might try to meet Andrew after work one of these afternoons and walk the Water of Leith walkway home together. I don’t even know if the Water of Leith is in it; I haven’t read through it yet. But I’m excited to explore the city by foot, and to have a map to guide us through some of the trails.

All yesterday, I asked: what would Kilian do? Undoubtedly, he would work hard, and enjoy why we are here. He would breathe. And take it one step at a time.

Last night I did some research, compiling similar character traits of ultramarathoners and long-distance runners and trail-runners. What I found: the trail-runner uses nature as a form of retreat, and mostly runs alone. The shifting nature of the trail means the trail-runner is adept at adjusting to change. Independent. Intelligent. Spiritually transcendent. Ultramarathoners spend a lot of time looking inward. Reflective. Dedicated. Loyal. Empathetic. Strong.

I want to be an ultramarathoner in the way I live my life. I want to enjoy the sun and the sky and the mountains and the sea. I want to take this road I’m on as it comes, with each step, always committing, re-dedicating, re-aligning, adjusting.

Good morning, T.



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