Cracking the Code

From Ivan Turgenev's First Love

From Ivan Turgenev’s First Love

I have an epiphany! Wait, scratch that—I have epiphanies.

I know, I am bound to contradict myself sometime—I’m putting this all down for future reference. Just in case I fall flat on my face again. Just in case I come down from this—whatever this is now. But, I am feeling very, very positive and cheerful tonight. Anything could happen. Anything is possible. This thing I’m thinking of—it’s amazingly simple, and true.

It’s funny—all morning I was in bed (again) and thinking, I hate my life, why is everything so awful, things shouldn’t have to be like this, why are people so terribly content and happy, my mind is destroying itself, I need to fix this. In the afternoon my sisters and I ordered these humongous burgers just because and—something just clicked. I have connected the dots and a bit of the fog has cleared.

So:

  1. I need anchors. I can’t wait for someone to be that for me. I have to look at my life right now and identify what these are and keep them safe. These anchors will keep me here, keep me from abandoning myself, my work.
  2. It’s a writing life. A life of writing. I don’t know why I keep forgetting. Impatience, maybe. Or: the need to prove myself (to myself, or to the world?), the desire to accomplish something. A race against time. But time unspools, whether I’m there to notice it or not. Writing: it will take my whole life.
  3. I can take it. I will screw it up but I can (and I will) learn from it. Also I have Frank Sinatra.

I might be drunk. The pizza on my plate is glorious. My heart told me to write everything in earnest.

Good night, M.

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One thought on “Cracking the Code

  1. You are fantastic.

    “Do I contradict myself?
    Very well then I contradict myself,
    (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
    Song of Myself, Walt Whitman

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