I have an epiphany! Wait, scratch that—I have epiphanies.
I know, I am bound to contradict myself sometime—I’m putting this all down for future reference. Just in case I fall flat on my face again. Just in case I come down from this—whatever this is now. But, I am feeling very, very positive and cheerful tonight. Anything could happen. Anything is possible. This thing I’m thinking of—it’s amazingly simple, and true.
It’s funny—all morning I was in bed (again) and thinking, I hate my life, why is everything so awful, things shouldn’t have to be like this, why are people so terribly content and happy, my mind is destroying itself, I need to fix this. In the afternoon my sisters and I ordered these humongous burgers just because and—something just clicked. I have connected the dots and a bit of the fog has cleared.
- I need anchors. I can’t wait for someone to be that for me. I have to look at my life right now and identify what these are and keep them safe. These anchors will keep me here, keep me from abandoning myself, my work.
- It’s a writing life. A life of writing. I don’t know why I keep forgetting. Impatience, maybe. Or: the need to prove myself (to myself, or to the world?), the desire to accomplish something. A race against time. But time unspools, whether I’m there to notice it or not. Writing: it will take my whole life.
- I can take it. I will screw it up but I can (and I will) learn from it. Also I have Frank Sinatra.
I might be drunk. The pizza on my plate is glorious. My heart told me to write everything in earnest.
Good night, M.